REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
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My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.
I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
The beauty industry:
For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen
For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsenseme: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: nome: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
Sorry I made promises on Friday
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.