– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
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Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
*limbos under the caution tape
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
The check engine light came on inside my oven.
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question
Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 🎶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 🎶Hi HOOOOOO
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?
Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes
Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart