A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
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If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
Yes
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’