your honor my client chooses dare
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me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox