Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
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I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
uber driver is making small talk with me and asks me what i do, so i said i study philosophy, and he immediately says “oh nice man you hear it was Kant’s 300th birthday a few weeks ago? i bet you people went wild for that”
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.