My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
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My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
The hardest thing Vision has to do
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.