I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
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Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My resolutions are:
1) Stop making any lists.
B) Be more stable.
7) Learn to count.
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]