breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
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“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
Meeeee too!
Found the job I’m suited for
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
Lmao
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed