I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
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Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant.
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
they split up moments later
robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean