me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
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I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
Unimpressed
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…