[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
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After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
When I said I liked it rough.
[quarantine routine]
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.