No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
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Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
Lmao
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.