Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
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Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
This is painfully accurate 😅
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted