Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
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What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
I think I’m having a stroke
The fall of Netflix
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground