When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
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Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.
Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?