Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
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Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
I hope your spoon slides into your soup
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.