ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”
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Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
👾👾👾
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.