I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
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John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
plant them where lol
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question