Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
You Might Also Like
Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
Him: SHE SAID YES!!
Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!