good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
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*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
Feels
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️