Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
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Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera
This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works