date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
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In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
Entomologic:
Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a flyBee louse= fly
This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
Yup….perfect score!
This can never not be funny 😭😭
😂😂
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.