When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
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motivation
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
*ernest hemingway voice*
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.