“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
You Might Also Like
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,
Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”
Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
They got Raph!
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”