Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
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Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E RM: Oh my god! Mom!
FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor
From my Mom
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
🚲+physics = winner
RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…