I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
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caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
When I practise my stand-up in front of the mirror I have to remember to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter. It’s good practice for when I’m performing in front of an audience and I have to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter
There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
i wish all
whales
a very
big
Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
just gave your address to some spiders
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.