Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
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UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
definitely did not do anything wrong
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
Hit me in the face with a bird
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
I think my mom just blocked me
me: my friends:
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*