*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
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It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
guys I’m going home
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”