Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
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So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.