jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
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I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
God: you’re a decapod.
Crab: what does that mean?
God: it means you have 10 legs.
Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.
God: at least you don’t have a hundred.
Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?
Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”