Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
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rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
This is the one
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review