GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
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[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
Hey Fun Fact:
Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work
This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:
Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.