I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
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Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.