Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
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DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.