My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
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(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
idk what this dog had been going through but same
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
“I wouldn’t.”
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.