My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
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”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”