I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
You Might Also Like
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.
[12 seconds later]
“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
I went on a first date with a man who spent the better part of the first hour ruminating about his recent ex
And yes I let him pay for my glass of wine and appetizer because a therapist would have charged double
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”