Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
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DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.