I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
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Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.