Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
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Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*