If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
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me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
Do not steal food from the science building!
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER![1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
I’m crying im so happy for them
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.