Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.
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I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*