My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
You Might Also Like
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
Me: I just got hit
911: are you ok
Me: with a car
911: oh my gosh
Me: a toy car
911: oh why did u call us then
Me: its now sticking out of my skull
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.