BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
You Might Also Like
Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
My sister and I are sat having KFC when she says she misses the lemon flavour packets they used to give out and I was like ??? they were lemon wipes for your hands?? and her face dropped.
Turns out she used to squeeze the lemon wipes onto her chicken 😭😂😭😂
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff
PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.