I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
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[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]
Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]
Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play