Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
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haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
[Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
Thursday
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
I’m having an out of money experience.