Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
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There are really only two seasons:
soup
salad
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis