“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
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Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, βAlexa, what time is it?β
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: youβre right that was a dumb question. Letβs hear it
Real Estate Agent: itβs a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: itβs made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: Iβll take it
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: Iβm playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
Oh to be a 1998 baby
βοΈ first memory is 9/11
βοΈ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008
βοΈ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
Me: So after this Imma call you my stentist.
Cardiologist: Ok so no surgery for you.
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
β¬π©π©π©β¬
π©π©π©π©π©
π¦β¬π¦β¬π¦π¦
π©π©π©π©π©
π©β¬β¬β¬π©
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LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
[burying my father at sea]
Why isnβt this shovel working?
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
Weirdos gonna weird.
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume heβll grow a few feet overnight
Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.