Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
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If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices
just gave your address to some spiders
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
I accidentally bump into a man.
He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”
I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.