oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
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Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
😜
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
no cat here
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
my sentiments exactly
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]